So this really is my friend that this is happening to and IDK how to help her, she is having our other friend babysit her toddler and kindergartner and this girl thinks that she can discipline the kids, spank them and try to tell them what to do. Even in front of the parents, so far she has tried just overstepping her and just telling the kids that they are not in trouble but it is getting to the point where the kindergartner wants me to watch her and the mom does not know what to say to our friend because she does not want to ruin the friendship. Any advice, and please nothing mean towards the mom she just does not know how to handle the situation. 

Wow.

Well, I tried to picture my reaction to someone else physically disciplining my child when she was a youngster--and it wasn't pretty. Frankly, I would be livid and may even decide to show my displeasure through some physical discipline of my own to the person who decided to touch my child. But, I will try to stay positive and on topic.

I don't have a problem with the friend telling the children what to do; that's what adults are for, and every one has different rules in their homes. For example, some people allow their small children to go inside the refrigerator; some don't. I wouldn't have a problem if there was an incidence of that nature and the babysitting friend told your other friend's children, "In our house, you must ask before you get a snack; if you want something, ask me and I will get it for you." But in my opinion the spanking is a big no-no. Everyone doesn't spank so she shouldn't have assumed it would be okay to do so.

I would honestly recommend that your friend stop bringing the children over and find alternate child care; the friend may not stop the spanking just because she's asked to. If that isn't an option, then she is going to have to be direct and tell her the truth. Tell her to get close enough so that she can clearly read her expression and body language and say, "I don't spank my children, and I don't want you to, either. I find it disrespectful that you didn't make that clear with me before you decided to enact that sort of punishment--so don't do it again." That should get the message across. 

That is how I feel too Tee C, she spanked my son once when I was not there and my husband was in the other room but the father of the the other children she watches saw her spank my son and I do not allow her to watch him anymore. I guess it is just one of those situations where you either need to pick what is more important to you, a friendship or what is right for your kids. My friend keeps saying, well she is moving soon, I am not going to bring it up because she will soon be gone but I don't think it is enough, seems like this girl has got it in her head to far that she has the right to punish the kids the way she does. 

I'm not sure how she should deal with this but for fair warning if someone else ever spanked one of my children they will end up missing and arm and a couple of teeth.
I think it's a slippery slope when you start laying hands on other peoples kids. 

Are they real spankings or are they love taps? Love taps are what I give my kids when I am playing with them. For example if I am trying to get them to go upstairs for bed and they are walking slowly up I will give them light swats to hurry them along. They are soft like a pat on the back and they know they are not in trouble. If it's a full on spanking then we might have a problem. Did the kid deserve a spanking? Did the punishment fit the crime? If the kid was hurting another child or doing something dangerous then maybe. If they were just being disobedient then no. If my child intentional hurts someone then I will give them a swat. If they run out towards a busy road I will give them a swat to know I am not playing around and to show them how serous that is. I said A SWAT not more than one. It's more to get the attention than to harm the child. That being said I would never spank someone's child that I was caring for. I also don't want others to swat my kids. I know how hard I am swatting and I know not to do it out of anger. If you do it out of anger then you are teaching the kid it's ok to hit when your mad. That's just my two cents. 

Your friend doesn't spank her children at home? Then it's definitely not something the sitter should be doing. Even if you do spank your child at home, it's still not her place to do it. There are other ways to discipline a child. I spanked my child when she was younger, but it was definitely not ok for others to do it. Friend or not. I have a good friend that comes over and she will correct my child right in front of me. I always have to remind her that she is not the parent, I am.

I definitely agree with Tee C. Different homes have different rules and children have to respect that. At the same time that adult has to respect your child and you. I would definitely talk to the sitter about it. If she's a friend then she should understand. Unfortunately some don't, so your friend may get upset. At least you know your child won't be getting hit anymore without your knowledge. 

I'd just find another care giver... this one might stop hitting in front of the parents, but will surely go about her old ways when nobody is watching. If the only way to correct children was hitting them and screaming at them this would be the norm and its not... we take them to schools and daycares and thats not how they are treated and they still seem to get what they want. 

In light of the Judge Adams video,

We often hear from those who fight to uphold this practice for those under the age of 18 (even to the blaming of the social maladies of the day on a supposed "lack" of it), but we rarely, if ever, find advocates for the return of corporal punishment to the general adult community, college campuses, inmate population, or military. Why is that?

Ask ten unyielding proponents of child/adolescent/teenage-only "spanking" about the "right" way to do it, and what would be abusive, indecent, or obscene, and you will get ten different answers.

These proponents should consider making their own video-recording of the "right way" to do it.

Visit Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education to learn more. 

Currently in the U.S.:

When an adult does it to another adult, its sexual battery:
http://hamptonroads.com/2011/12/va-beach-restaurateur-pleads-guilty-sexual-battery:

When children do it to adults, its a "deviant sexual prank":
http://www.theday.com/article/20101207/NWS04/101209750

When an adult does it to a person under the age of 18, its "good discipline".

Research/recommended reading:

Spanking Can Make Children More Aggressive Later
http://tulane.edu/news/releases/pr_03122010.cfm

Spanking Kids Increases Risk of Sexual Problems
http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2008/feb/lw28spanking.cfm

Use of Spanking for 3-Year-Old Children and Associated Intimate Partner Aggression or Violence
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/126/3/415

Spanking Children Can Lower IQ
http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2009/sept/lw25straus.cfm

Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak
http://www.nospank.net/pt2010.pdf

The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson
http://nospank.net/sdsc2.pdf

"Spanking" can be intentional or unintentional sexual abuse
http://www.nospank.net/101.htm 

WOW! @ THE ABOVE list of stories SMH all I have to say to that crap is whateverrr when I was little I got my tail tore and it was NOT sexual abuse it did NOT cause me to be violent etc. The lack of "whoopin that a%$" it whats wrong with kids today they think they can get away with anything and why wouldn't they all that happens to them now days is they get sent to their rooms where you will find TV's computers and video games wow horrible!! pfftttt I was raised right and so were my kids if you got out of line you got your tail tore end of story! Parents today make me sick! 

Oh and PS I got my tail tore by the neighbors too if I didn't behave,then they would walk me home and make me tell my parents what I had done there wasn't no time out crap 

Only suitable for minors?:

(WARNING - These images may be deeply disturbing to some viewers. Do not open this page if children are present).
http://www.nospank.net/injuredkids.pdf

Reasonable and moderate? You decide.
(WARNING - This sound recording may be deeply disturbing to some listeners. Do not open this file if children are within listening range).
http://nospank.net/prj-006.wav

Family court Judge William Adams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl9y3SIPt7o

http://www.nospank.net/tigermom.mov

http://hpd.de/files/images/middleMicada-paddledgirl.jpg

http://img.allvoices.com/thumbs/event/598/486/60609255-corporal-punishment.jpg

http://inaworldofhurt.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/paddlingpic.jpg?w=200&h=329

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_0ACA3PAZyP8/SSkFauYNA4I/AAAAAAAAAo0/AhLSBCdiVHc/s400/PADDLING.jpg

http://www.nospank.net/paddler.jpg 

My mother has told me stories from when she was a girl about the "takes a village" mentality when it comes to spanking. I don't agree with it, and the reasoning is simple.

For one, the thought of someone else hitting my child makes my blood boil. If you believe in spanking then do it to your own kid--you had better not even think of putting your hands on mine. If you do, I'm going to be in someone's jail very shortly after. I'm bigger, I'm stronger, and I'm meaner--let me hit you and see how you like it.

Two, our child is our responsibility; if she does something wrong and you aren't going to be the one liable for fixing it, then don't lift a finger to discipline her. If you won't take full responsibility for her, don't touch her.

Third, everyone doesn't have the same level of empathy for other people's children when it comes to spanking. They will hit your child too hard, really hurt them--and not think twice. I went to church with a woman in Germany whom we nicknamed "Tattletale" because she was always running up to people to tell them what their children were doing wrong. I even remember her telling people, "He's a handful; you ought to spank him!" But for her little boy (who had serious behavioral issues)? Oh no, you'd better not even say anything to him, much less touch him. She'd hit the roof. But she'd swat other people's kids on the butt, though. No--she never touched my daughter.

Fourth (and I'll wrap this up) spanking doesn't work for all children. There are plenty of people in jail (or headed there) whom spanking failed. Why? Because there is a difference between discipline and punishment; discipline teaches your child how to conduct themselves when you are not around; punishment teaches them to do whatever they want and to just not get caught by you. Spanking is often done more to alleviate the parents frustration than to teach the child anything. That's why you see kids in stores who run around like madmen, get their seat swatted, cry, and then go right back to running around after their tears dry, lol.

If people spank, well, I suppose that is on them; but I still don't believe they have the right to do it to other people's children. Raise your own kids and leave the discipline to the other kid's parents.